Cloud 9 Mushroom Massager – Sex Toy Review
Anyway You know what I like? I like vibrators that are shaped like things that aren’t really “vibrator” shaped. Like Chili Peppers. Or Eggplants. Or Space Command Rabbits. And when I say I “like” them… I don’t necessarily mean I like like them… but I have an appreciation for the weird and the adorable. Currently, some of my favorite vibrators are absolute shit at being vibrators… but God damn it… are they cute little bastards. So when SheVibe offered up the Cloud 9 Mushroom Massager for review you know I was all in. Okay… technically the name on the toy’s packaging is the Cloud 9 Novelties Premium Health & Wellness Personal Massager… but could it get any longer or more sterile than that? No thank you, we are going to stick with calling it the Mushroom Massager… because that is what it looks like… and that is what SheVibe calls it… and SheVibe wouldn’t lie to me. We are friends. BEST friends. And best friends wouldn’t lie…
This is actually my first time reviewing anything from Cloud 9 Novelties. I spoke with someone from their company maybe half a year ago or so and we tried to make something happen, but communications dropped somewhere down the line and I haven’t heard anything back from them sense. I was a little bummed, but my plate is also full… like… extremely full… like I went to a buffet and loaded up on the all you can eat crab legs… but didn’t just stop at one plate… I grabbed like twenty plates and just kept grabbing those crab legs… one after another after another after another… (In this story… crab legs are actually sex toys). So, life moved on… I have a ton of stuff to do… so, I figured at some point I would reconnect with them again. Anyway… what I am trying to say is that not only am I excited that the Mushroom Massager is shaped like a mushroom… but also that it comes from Cloud 9… because now I had a chance to see what I was missing! I’m always excited when I get to try a toy from a brand I’ve never used… I don’t know what to expect (you know, like… when I’m about to review a We-Vibe toy I already expect that it will be rumbly… or if its a Uberrime dildo I know I’m going to love the feel of the silicone)!
Anyway, so the Mushroom Massager… it is indeed mushroom shaped… or toadstool, if you prefer that bit of nomenclature. The packaging says it an “ergonomic mushroom shape for pinpoint massage.” Cloud 9 and I have a very different idea of pinpoint. The cap of the mushroom provides what I would call a more broad stimulation… but then again, Cloud 9 also seems to be trying to sell it as a body massager first and a sex toy second… so I suppose if you were to be using the mushroom to massage sore muscles you could be “pin pointing” a certain muscle group (like… just your shoulder blade… or the exact spot on your lower back)… but I’m not reviewing this as a massager for sore muscles… I’m reviewing this as a sex toy… something I can smash against my clit… or titillate my nipples… so I’m going with the “broad stimulation” assessment… because I can’t direct the vibrations in a pin point fashion down onto my clit (if you are wondering what I consider a pin point vibrator take a look at the Blush Novelties Rose Lipstick Vibe or the Zumio). But it’s mushroom shaped… so I don’t really care what it does… because its ultimate purpose will be to sit on my desk and look frickin’ adorable.
The Mushroom Massager has nine vibration modes, which is definitely a lot more vibration than your average mushroom possesses. The Mushroom has three constant speeds in increasing intensity and six pattern modes. I’m not really sure how to classify the vibrations… like… they aren’t deep and rumbly… but they aren’t exactly buzzy either… and they really aren’t all that powerful… but… they aren’t exactly terrible either. Its kind of a gentle… middle of the road kind of vibrator. Like… I don’t love it, but I’m not offended by it either. Probably not a toy I would recommend to those hungry for power (like me)… this is pretty mild mannered… its a vibrator for those who prefer their vibrating mushrooms in the more gentle to mid-range. Masturbating with the Mushroom was alright, I tend to prefer vibrators that are really pin-point, I like to be able to direct vibrations to the exact location next to my clit that I know to be my “sweet spot.” So I ended up using the Mushroom tipped to it side, using the edges of the crown to get at my preferred area. If you are a person who likes their vibrations broad and spread out over a larger area, the Mushroom has got you covered… just used the full head of the ‘shroom and you are golden.
I really like the size of the Mushroom, its small, its also pretty easy to hold… dare I say its even ergonomic (gotta throw in those buzz words)… my favorite way of holding it is to cup the stem in my palm and kind of tuck my fingers under the mushroom cap… I’m sure there are other ways to hold the Mushroom, but that seems to be the most comfortable and most intuitive way of holding it. I’m also a fan of how discreet it is… it stands at roughly 2 inches tall from stem to the top of its cap… I’ve had it sitting on my desk for a while now and no one has asked me if its a sex toy yet. I’ve got lots of not-a-sex toy stuff sitting on my desk that I’ve been asked if its a sex toy… but not this… the Mushroom has so far flown under the radar of anyone who has approached my sacred work space. It has a very cutsey, almost whimsical Alice in Wonderland vibe to it (oooh…. I should set it next to the Tantus Hookah… I could build a whole Wonderland diorama), especially if you were to have the Mushroom Massager in the bright teal color (the Mushroom featured in this review is the Plum version).
Okay, I know I said I wasn’t going to review it as if it were a body massager… but… I actually like it as a body massager… the shape of the mushroom makes it easy to hold and the silicone makes it really easy to glide and rock it over my shoulders and neck… which is where I feel the most tense all the time (hello working at a computer all day). So… while I did mock Cloud 9 for not committing to calling it a body massager… it is actually a pretty decent body massager. It doesn’t get at any deep muscle stuff though, because the vibrations are not deep and rumbly enough… but it was just enough to kind of sooth minor aches and tension. So, the Mushroom would definitely be good for some sexy massages… grab yourself a massage candle (oh look… I just happen to have reviewed this Olivia’s Boudoir Massage Candle recently…)… turn on some music… and use the Mushroom to massage and titillate your partner (or yourself). I tried blindfolding my Stunt Cock and using the Mushroom for a little sensation play, he enjoyed it well enough (as much as he is able to enjoy vibration… he’s normally not a big fan and usually describes vibration as “numbing and uncomfortable”). Although when he was unblindfolded and saw my adorable Mushroom Massager he said it looked like one of those tub ‘shrooms that you put down your bathtub drain to collect hair. Why does he want to ruin everything that is good in my life?!
Controlling the Mushroom is pretty simple. It is operated by a single button located on the bottom of its stem. Press and hold this button to turn the Mushroom on, continuing to click it will cycle you through the previously mentioned nine vibration modes, then when you are finished, just press and hold down the button again to turn it off. Doesn’t really get much easier than that (I mean… it could get easier… if I was able to control it with like, my mind or something).
The Mushroom Massager is also rechargeable, so that’s cool. It arrives with its own USB charging cable that plugs into the stem of the mushroom. It is one of those long one prong chargers that you stab into a nearly invisible hole… there is a small hole that doesn’t really look like a hole along with some random symbols/writing… I know it feels like you shouldn’t poke it there and that you are going to break it… but that is the charging port… you’ll be okay. It takes about an hour to achieve a full charge and you get about an hours worth of play time out of it. While its charging there is a little blue light on the base (around the power button) that blinks obnoxiously (I only think its obnoxious because I tried to charge it in the same room I was trying to also nap in… so that’s on me) until it has finished charging… then it becomes just a steady blue light.
Another bonus about the Cloud 9 Mushroom Massager… price… this little chap can be had for under $30.00. I like finding budget friendly vibrators that don’t utterly suck and I feel pretty comfortable putting this in the “doesn’t completely suck” category. While it isn’t as powerful as I may like… it did give me orgasms… which is all I really need from a vibrator… so it did its job admirably. Also its cute… so you know I’m going to recommend it just based on that alone… because I have a serious problem. I think this would make a fun vibrator for a newbie, or someone who shys away from more “traditional” looking vibes because they come off as too intimidating… there is nothing intimidating about my little Mushroom friend… it is just adorable and eager to please. And, because it won’t break the bank… you can try it… and if you hate it… you aren’t out a fortune and don’t have to feel like you need to force yourself to use it because you spent triple digits on it. Then it just becomes a cute little art piece that just sits around on a shelf… like those terrible mushroom candles of the 90’s.
The Cloud 9 Mushroom Massager was provided to me free of charge by SheVibe in exchange for my honest review.