Geeky Sex Toys Star Toys Laser Sword – Sex Toy Review
SPOOKY MONTH! SPOOOOOKY MONTH! SPOOOooOOoOOoooOOOOOooky MOOOooooOOOOoooOOnth! It’s my most favorite month of them all! I absolutly love this time of year… the crisp weather, the apple cider, scary movies, wearing enormous sweatshirts… oh and of course…. HALLOWEEN THEMED SEX TOYS!!
Welcome to WEEK TWO of my Spooky Month Countdown!! Just so you stay caught up… we kicked things off with the Blush Novelties Revive Sweet Intimate Massager… it might not be the scariest of toys, but look at that festive orange color… also, I’m not 100% convinced that it isn’t a cursed object (you’ll have to read the review to find out why…).
Okay… real talk… I was actually sent the Geeky Sex Toys Star Toys Laser Sword ages ago. Like seriously… so long ago that I’m actually embarrassed at how long its taken me to publish a review. So long ago that the year was probably closer to 2018 than 2019… I AM SO ASHAMED. BUT… in my defense, I was waiting for May 4th (you know, Star Wars Day) to release the review, but then Star Wars day came and went and it was like two weeks after the fact before I realized I missed it (Once again… SO ASHAMED). So then I thought… well… I’ll wait until next year I guess… but then I started thinking about Spooky Month… and the villainous red Laser Sword is a great addition to my Spooky Month count down!
No, really… hear me out… the Laser Sword is perfect for Spooky Month because it’s absolutely villainous. Why is it villainous? Because it’s red. And do you know who wields red lightsabers? The Sith. You can’t get much spookier than an ancient order of supernaturally gifted warriors driven by a Machiavellian agenda of total galactic domination and revenge. Darth Vader, Darth Maul, Darth Sidious… all the Darths… all scary dudes… all wielding red lightsabers. I’m sure the children of Coruscant scare each other around campfires with stories of these guys the same way we frighten ourselves with Freddie, Jason, or that guy with a hook for a hand…
When I first encountered the Laser Sword on Twitter I thought for sure it was nothing but a gimmick. I figured it was going to be a shitty dildo on a lightsaber handle with a light thrown in for comical effect. Something to get the nerds excited, but nothing that would actually work as a sex toy. I really didn’t think this thing would be usable… much less good. Once I actually had a Laser Sword in my hands, I was singing a different tune. This sword is actually extremely well made! The detail on both the dildo and the handle are excellent and the light… well… the light up feature is absolutely awesome, I’m amazed at how brightly it is able to shine through the silicone of the dildo. I am 100% certain that this is the dildo that Emperor Palpatine has tucked away in his bedside table.
The handle of the Laser Sword is made from resin (according to their website, I don’t just know what resin looks like by looking at it… I’m not that amazing at what I do… but Google says that its essentially plastic), while the swords “blade” (the only part of the sword that is meant for insertion) is made from silicone. The dildo end is phallic in nature, and apart from being a totally spooky and utterly villainous red color, it is quite realistic with a pronounced head and a delightfully veiny shaft. So those who shy away from realistic toys may or may not enjoy this… on the one hand… it is a sword… on the other hand it is a sword with a penis attached… its a tough call. The dildo end does have some squish to the outer layer of silicone, but because of the light-up rod at the core of the dildo, it is a pretty firm toy with no flex bend to the shaft.
Size-wise the Laser Sword is nearly equal parts handle and sword, officially it says that the insertable length is 6 inches and the handle is 5.2 inches… but I’m coming up with something slightly different when I measure. I end up with about 5 inches of dildo and 5 inches of hilt… not a huge difference… but I hate being wrong… and now I question my ability to handle a ruler… MY WHOLE LIFE COULD BE A LIE. Whether you believe the official measurements or my own… you still end up with a reasonably average insertable length. Girth-wise the Laser Sword measures in with a circumference of 4.25 inches, so you are still looking at a fairly average dildo. This dildo may be a sword… but its a pretty average sword. Personally, I wish this was much longer with a bit more girth… but I do kind of consider myself a member of the size royalty household. As is, (even though its not my ideal cup of tea) I think the Geeky Sex Toy Laser Sword is pretty beginner friendly or an excellent choice for those with the experience to know that they just enjoy a more average sized dildo. Also a great option for those who prefer their dildos to be shaped like galactic weapons.
In use… I think the most exciting part of the Laser Sword is lighting it up and watching it go in and out… in and out… this effect is twice as awesome if you are doing it in a dark room. While the toy isn’t the most girthy thing I’ve used, the firmness of it helps to give the illusion of girth… I feel that satisfying feeling of fullness when the Laser Sword is inserted. The head of the Laser Sword reached my g-spot, but I had issues getting the angle just right to really stimulate it… I think this is partly because the dildo isn’t quite long enough and partly because the top part of the hilt (where the dildo meets the handle) gets shoved right against my vulva, making it harder for me to get the right angle without pinching myself with hard plastic. I don’t think I’ve seen the Laser Sword advertised anywhere as being a g-spotting dildo… so… I guess this isn’t really an issue. I just happened to notice it was soooooo close to being able to do that. Other than looking freakin’ cool… the Laser Sword really functioned as a pretty average dildo for me, nothing in particular really stood out for me. I wasn’t able to quite orgasm with the toy alone and had to bring in some help in the form of a bullet vibrator against my clit… but then I enjoyed the just clenching around the Laser Sword and occasionally pulling it out to admire the bright red light before pushing it back in. The Laser Sword worked really well as a partner dildo… my Stunt Cock really enjoyed wielding the Laser Sword (sure, I had to put up with a lot of Darth Vader breathing while he used it… but it was worth it…) and was especially fond of having a handle to hold while he thrust the dildo in and out of me. I gotta say… I’m also a fan of having a nice handled grip on my dildo too… so I get where hes coming from. It also lent itself easily to role playing… we didn’t even mean to do sexy role playing… but it just kind of happened every time we pulled out the Laser Sword… you can’t help RPing when you are brandishing a light up sword… “Use the force! Use it hard!” Also, for some reason… I wish this vibrated… it just feels like it should… but I guess I just feel like that because there is a button… and in my experience buttons make things vibrate… just… not this time… this time the button makes the sword light up. I also wish it made a SWOOOOOSH lightsaber sound as it lit up. But, for a dildo that doesn’t vibrate or make a SWOOOOSH sound, the Laser Sword is still pretty cool.
Cleaning the toy is easy… so long as you separate the blade from the hilt. The base of the sword (with the buttons and light up rode) are not waterproof. So when it comes time to clean you Laser Sword you need to pull the dildo from the handle. Luckily, this is super easy to do. Just give the dildo a gentle twist to release the suction then gently pull it off (I have to give it kind of a rocking motion and gently shimmy it up and off the center rod) and you are ready to wash! The silicone end can be tossed into boiling water, washed on the top rack of your dishwasher (no soap), cleaned with a 10% bleached solution, or just cleaned with regular old tap water. If the hilt needs cleaning, I recommend just gently wiping it with a mostly dry washcloth or a baby wipe (this seemed to do the trick for me when I needed to get lube off the grip). Be sure you let the dildo dry completely before attaching it back onto the handle.
The Geeky Sex Toys Laser Sword is a toy fit for any Dark Lord of the Sith, but if you aren’t as in touch with your dark side as I am don’t worry, the Laser Sword comes in four other colors… blue, green, pink and purple. But face it… red is seriously the coolest option… because… it’s spooky and we are all about Spooky Month ’round these parts. Also… while your shopping for a new Laser Sword, don’t forget to check out the rest of the Star Toys collection!
Geeky Sex Toys is located in Australia, which means it is international shipping (unless you happen to live in Australia), but not to worry, Geeky Sex Toys offers free shipping on orders over $100 or a flat rate of $15 for orders that don’t quite meet that $100 threshold. Also, shopping from Australia tends to take a bit longer than most places… there is a very good reason for it though. This may surprise you, but Australia has the largest number of ghosts per capita. In fact, 9 out of 10 Australian residents are actually a ghost. This is why shipping takes so long, ghosts can’t pick up packages… unless you are dealing with a poltergeist… but only 2 out of every 10 ghosts is an object moving poltergeist… and very few of them actually work for the postal service. So, you’ll have to be patient… eventually a living Australian resident will get around to picking up your package and mailing it out to you.
Ready to really feel the force for yourself? Looking to come to the Dark Side? You can pick up your own Geeky Sex Toys Star Toys Laser Sword directly from the folks at Geeky Sex Toys! BONUS: Use the code KITTEN for a little discount on your purchase!
The Geeky Sex Toys Star Toys Laser Sword was provided to me free of charge by Geeky Sex Toys in exchange for my honest review.